As Dangerous, Tainted and Flawed As You
by I.will.be.your.Ghostkeeper
Summary: "You told me that there are no heroes in real life, and if there were, you wouldn't be one of them. You're wrong Sherlock." John writes to Sherlock to express how he feels.John/Sherlocky. Inspired by the song "Million Dollar Man" by Lana Del Rey
1. I don't know what you do

**Hello weary fanfiction searcher! I've been toying with this idea for a bit now, it is a companion piece to another that I will be posting afterwards. As it is this one will have seven short chapters. I suggest listening to "Million Dollar Man" by Lana Del Rey while reading, or just after. I decided to break up the chapters so that the reader could choose to focus on the parts of the song relevant to each chapter. Most contain two lines from the song per chapter. Please note I am not using every single line of the song, which honestly is because I wasn't sure how to work it into the story in a way I was all for. If you have any suggestions I'll eat them up.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock", that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics from the song "Million Dollar Man," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger. **

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******John's Point of View, **  
**Pre-"The Reichenbach Fall"**

_-You said I was the most exotic flower-_

You said, "This is what I said before, John. I meant it, I don't have friends. I've just got one."

How a man as brilliant as you-how no one else could see that brilliance and not fall in lo- and not be awed, is beyond me. How on Earth could you have no other friends? I've heard from Mrs Hudson, Mycroft, Lestrade, Donovan, Molly, the baker down the street, and any other you care to name, that Sherlock Holmes does not have friends.

Well, you've proved them wrong again, that ought to make your ego dance.

You are the best friend I have ever had, and I say that with no guilt. Why me though? I'm plain, ordinary, nothing exciting ever happened around me, I was just a typical 'returned from combat' soldier.

When did you decide you wanted me as your flat-mate? You even knew I was moving in before I did.

There is nothing special about me, I'm not like you. But I'm the only person that you count as a friend? (I am sure Molly, Mrs Hudson, Lestrade, maybe more, count you as some kind of friend to _them_, but you don't count them as _your friend_.)

It doesn't-Why would-For crying out lou-

I don't get it Sherlock, I don't understand why you don't drive me away.  
Maybe it's because you know you're the only thing that got me going after I got back from war. My therapist wasn't helping, the military wasn't helping, my blog wasn't helping, my sister wasn't helping, _I_ wasn't helping.

You told me that there are no heroes in the real life, and if there were, you wouldn't be one of them. You're wrong Sherlock Holmes, there are heroes, (real heroes, not the people who only think they are heroes ) who _believe_ they are heroes and willingly fight for what they believe in, and there are heroes who will never realize what they do.

Now we know which one you are.

_-I don't know how you convince them and get them boy, I don't know what you do. It's unbelievable-_

I have seen you outsmart and out wit criminal after criminal, even if you aren't always spot on, you convince them and trick them into giving themselves away.  
And, I have no idea how you do this. What is it that you do? Where, where did you learn how to do it? You are constantly pulling the wool over someone's eyes, be it Moriarty or some lackey criminal. Or to trick me with something daft...

It's fucking amazing. God Sherlock! How can you be so brilliant?  
You don't happen to someone like me.

Sherlock Holmes doesn't _happen_ to John Watson.

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_**Review's and PM's Be welcome! I should have the next chapter typed up by the 23rd. Right now everything is in my notebook. **_


	2. I'm ready, I'm ready to go

_**I was so inspired by seeing that after only being up for a few hours, the first chapter got 33 views, 16 from the States, 7 from the U.K. 2 from India, 2 from Italy, and 1 each from New Zealand, Austria, Indonesia, Canada, Estonia and Australia! I think that is so brilliant, and it inspired me to type out the second chapter. So... hi to everyone!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock", that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics from the song "Million Dollar Man," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

Enjoy,

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_-And I don't know how you get over, get over someone as dangerous, tainted and flawed as you-_

I cannot bear it any longer, Sherlock. You've snared me so completely I know I'll never get out. You figured out and lured in my dangerous side, trapped my mind in the game, attracted my curiosity, netted my hopes, enticed my desires, tempt my ears daily, you pulled in my heart like no one ever has.

I love you. I don't know how I love you, I just know that I don't want to live a day without you.  
But you'll -you're -you've -you'd get bored of me. You'd have to get bored of me at some point.

You're certainly not without your difficulties, you have polluted your body with drugs-to have known you then, I wonder what you were like. How did you recover? I can't imagine you sticking to a rehab clinic.

You have a need, a compulsion to take cases, if I were more religious man, I may call it demonic. And somewhere, for some reason, you have a deep running fear of becoming attached to people. You'll probably just tell me, 'feelings are a disadvantage' (if you ever read this that is, which I still haven't decided).

You take being obstinate to an unsafe level. I have seen you be violent for reasons that make sense to no one but you. I've also seen you be rather violent when a punch in the gut would suffice. Remember the American who assaulted Mrs. Hudson? Sending a man out the window 14 times is not necessary, though the bugger did deserve it.

You are also one of the smartest men in the world. You know as well as I that you could have turned into Moriarty. But you choose not to be, which is what makes you actually more dangerous.  
Moriarty can't help himself, but you have the ability to choose, and I think you are susceptible to choosing the path he did.

I had a superior in the army who said,"The man who knows how to kill but chooses not to is more frightening than the man who can no longer make that choice for himself."  
And I saw it in Afghanistan, What he meant when he said that. You make the choice Sherlock, you always will, you'll never be less human then that.

You do have flaws, they're odd, usually funny in an ironic,sarcastic, gallows humor kind of way.  
You laugh and grin at crime scenes for one. I'm not always certain that you know when it is appropriate to say something or just keep it to yourself, or if you just don't care.

You're a bastard to everyone, even yourself really. You think you are a worse person than you are.

You have real compassion, though it's usually buried under layers of information and facts. You are observant, you use all of your senses all the time and must see pain everywhere. We live in a world that has much more open-pain than open-happiness.  
If you seem a bit desensitized to those around you, who can blame you? You say something when it really matters.

I think that is why you became a detective. Well, and no one else had become a consulting detective yet. You're first and the best.

_-One for the money, and two for the show, I love you honey, I'm ready, I'm ready go-_

Well, you know what they say, "One for the money and two for the show"- that's actually a horse racing term... I really don't know why I said.  
Basically, I mean I'm in. No matter what, I am there, I am here. I always will be. I'm ready for whatever gets thrown our way.

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_**I have an inkling the next chapter will be up soon! For Authors, I have a poll up on my profile for you to take :) **_

_**Reviews and PM's keep me going! (thats Peee-Emmms, not Peee-Emmm-Ess ^_^) **_


	3. You break My Heart Too

_**Thank you to all the readers who clicked on the story, read the first chapter and read it this far, to those who added me to their author alerts and favorites, and to those who added the story to their alerts and favorites, thank you all for reading!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock", that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics from the song "Million Dollar Man," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

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_-How did you get that way? I don't know-_

I suppose I'll never know how you really got to be the way you are. I've never asked, I don't know that you'd answer me. I don't know what the answer even could be.

All I _can_ think of is the conversation we had that day victory square park...

We had gotten tea, I got orange pekoe and you had jasmine. We'd been walking for several hours at that point, it was just after my breakup with Mandy, and in an effort to get me out of the house you suggested a walk.  
We were leaning against the guardrail around the pond, sipping tea. The pond was a typical city made one, all cement and stagnant water.

"I just don't understand, what's wrong with me?" I asked hopelessly.

"I'm sure it's nothing to do with you," you replied as you looked across the pond.

"But no, really Sherlock! It makes no sense that there would be something wrong with all the women I've dated, and nothing wrong with me."

You peered at me briefly and frowned, "well maybe that's the problem right there."

"What, dating? I've been thinking I should stop, I mean it seems nearly pointless I'm not gett-" I stopped as soon as I realized you were laughing at me. "-what's so amusing, exactly?"

"I meant women, maybe your problem is that you are dating women." I felt so foolish, and all the realizations clinked together. All the little things that I notice about you suddenly added up. The way you use delicate hands with something that is fragile, but those same hands can also be cruel. How your eyes don't miss things that your mind may not register. And how I walked into a room and thought 'good, Sherlock is here.' I had stupidly passed it off as just being how I thought of you, a side effect of being around you.

"I'm not gay," I lied-was I lying?

I still don't honestly know, maybe lying to myself. I certainly now knew that I was attracted to you more than on a platonic level.

But did I want to fuck you?

Suddenly I had no idea what I felt, was I never in love with any of the women I had been with and just thought I was?

And there you were interrupting my thoughts, making it impossible to think while your eyes scrutinized my every breath and twitch.

After what felt like a long time you spoke in that tone you use when I've missed an important detail.

"I wasn't saying you were gay, just that you should explore your options. I didn't _mean_ anything by it."

"Have you-did you ever-even as a kid?"

You chuckled though there was a note of sadness to it, "No John, never as a-no, not really."

"What do you mean 'not really'?"

You paused, I had pushed you and I didn't think you were going to respond.

"I did not have a very happy childhood John, and I prefer not to think about it, though I will tell _you_... I do not remember much of my childhood before the age of 17. Apparently I suffered some kind of trauma, an event that was severe enough to block my memory and all of the memories leading up to the event. I retained academic knowledge, but familial and interactive memories were almost entirely gone. I've recovered a few over the years of course, but I figure the rest are meant to stay hidden."

I must have been giving you a look that was part sympathy, part diagnostic because then you said;

"Don't give me that look John, please not you. I've gotten over it by now and really don't mind."

"but Sherlock this is you, doesn't the _not knowing_ bother you?"

"In some ways it does, but dwelling on it won't change anything now. That ship has sailed."

You looked into my eyes then, and studied. Satisfied with what you found, you moved away from the rail and we made our way out of the park. I caught myself looking at your mouth and wondering about exploring my options.

"That's when I made the mind palace, though it wasn't a palace then. I called it a fortress."

"Umm... Uh, why'd it change to a palace?"

"I needed something larger and more decadent," you smirked.

So maybe I have more answers than I had thought.

_-Your screwed up and brilliant-_

You're screwed up maybe a bit more than most, but you're also millions of kilometers ahead of everyone else when it comes to intelligence.

Of course you would invite yourself out on my date, make fun of my blog, make me take a computer out to a crime scene while you sit in the flat in your bed sheet, intentionally drug me, get me in the press, and get a host of assassins within a stones throw from our doorstep.

And yet you do all this and it always seems to serve some kind of purpose. Usually it's pretty damn brilliant.

_-You look like a million dollar man, so why is my heart broke-_

You dress rather well for someone who doesn't care for social niceties. You certainly care about how you look. It's one of the things that make you heartbreakingly beautiful.

Do you own a _single_ pair of jeans by the way? I suppose you must for disguises.

I wish I could tell you, actually tell you, how much I enjoy when we've been on a case and your clothes get all rumpled.

You break my heart too.

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_**Someone needs to break the story's review virginity! **_


	4. Hard to Define

_**This chapter is very short, for that... My apologies AND another chapter coming tonight! Thank you to Ju Lara for breaking the story's review virginity! Thank you also to MonacoMac for the inspiring review!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock", that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics from the song "Million Dollar Man," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

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_-You've got the world, but baby at what price?_

You literally have the world at your fingertips.

You're bloody famous, you can get access to anywhere you want, either through Mycroft, your name and reputation, or by cracking whatever barrier is in your way.

But that can't come without a price, and I have to wonder what price will be. How much is it going to cost you, Sherlock? How much is it going to cost the world? How much is it going to cost me? What will you and I have to endure?

Will the price be too high?

_-Something so strange, hard to define-_

You're odd Sherlock. I swear, last time I'm going to mention how different you are! I must sound like a broken record!  
But you're strange in a really awesome, good, exciting way. God I sound like I'm 14, why can't I say anything right? You are undefinedable, well nearly...  
You are intelligent, improbable, annoying as hell, correct a lot of the time -you're just you-

Sherlock Holmes, the undefinedable man.

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_**Since the word is tossed around here so much, I thought I would look up and share...**_

The definitions of "review": **_1. To look over, study, or examine again.  
_** **_2. To consider retrospectively; look back on.  
_****_3. To examine with an eye to criticism or correction._**_********__  
****__4. To write or give a critical report on.  
****__5. Law To reexamine (an action or determination) judicially, especially in a higher court, in order to correct possible errors.  
****__6. To subject to a formal inspection, especially a military inspection. _


	5. I cannot promise

_**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock", that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics from the song "Million Dollar Man," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

* * *

_-It isn't that hard boy to like you or love you-_

Despite all the craziness, or maybe because of it, I don't find it difficult to like you.

You are not someone who often displays their emotions, you are infinetly clever, and attractive to boot. Who wouldn't want to be the person to splinter the impenetrable fortress around your heart?

I don't.

I don't need to.

I like you just as you are (most moments). If we stay this way here at Baker street with my blogging and you solving cases, I am happy with that.  
If you decide you actually do want to become a pirate, I am happy with that, so long as we find a way to pay Mrs. Hudson her rent money.

You may be married to your work, but that doesn't mean I couldn't be married to you... In a manner of speaking.

_-I'd follow you down, down, down, anywhere, anywhere-_

If the entire city turned against you, if the entire country turned against you, if the entire planet turned against you, I would be right there beside you. If you were sent to the gates of hell, I would not turn back. . . Who knows, we could take over hell and outwit the devil or something insane like that.

If you die, Sherlock... I don't know that I will be able or want to live on.

I cannot promise that I would not try to follow you in death also.


	6. grab me and take me

_**I was looking over my notes and realized that chapter 7 would be too short, and so I have merged 6 and 7 together. Thank you to all 186 people who have read this, thank you to all who will. I want to see reviews 10 years from today! Keep them coming!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own nor am I the creator of any characters below from "Sherlock", that remains property of the BBC, Mark Gatiss, and Steven Moffat. And since the rights to the Sherlock world are now public domain, a shout-out to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. That's correct, I just shouted-out a knight.  
I do not own nor am I the creator of any lyrics from the song "Million Dollar Man," that remains the property of Lana Del Rey, Interscope, Polydor, and Stranger.**_

* * *

_-You're unbelievable. If you're going crazy, just grab me and take me- _

I can't imagine what it is like for you, with everything making patterns and forming every detail into sense all the time. Does it get tiring? It must.

Note to self: Ask Lestrade if he's ever seen Sherlock mentally exhausted.

I have seen you lose sleep, lose weight, lose patience. I've seen you joyous and frightened, bored, deep in thought and depressed.  
But I also know the other parts that I don't think most people get to see. The Sherlock that is quiet and content, who enjoys bagels with cream cheese, a long morning coffee with the window open while it is raining.

When was the last time we went out, just for the sake of going out? You always seem to have at least ten reasons for going somewhere. One day we should see if you can't stick to one, or even two.

Its kind of funny (while being tiresome) that our friends have started seeing us as _SherlockandJohn_, instead of Sherlock _and_ John.

Sometimes I can't help but worry you're going to cave underneath all the pressure, both from yourself and others... to be the best, to solve crimes.

I know, _I know_ you would never be pleased to hear this... But... as much as you want to be, you aren't a god Sherlock.

I wonder who reminded you before to eat, catch 40 winks, and bathe. Even if you are on a case.

If you ever feel like you are losing yourself or your mind or just, I don't know, need a bloody reminder... If something is getting to you and you need a distraction to give that brain of yours something else to focus on while the problem works itself out in the background... Tell me.

I do my best to notice. I know that I don't always do it though.

Hold onto me Sherlock, I fear you won't survive without me sometimes.

Stupid.

Silly.

Egotistical of me really, to think that you_ need me_, could ever_ need **me**_**,** really.

Just grab me and take me wherever you need.

I will always be here.

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_**The first chapter of the companion piece, is now posted. I am considering making a third one about what happens when they receive the letters, sort of a post TRF reunion. Any thoughts, are you for or against?**_

Thank you again for taking a chance on this story. I hope you enjoyed the ride. 


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